Disappointment the day after...
We just celebrated the holiest and most wondrous day of the entire year for believers--the joyous celebration of Christ's resurrection and victory over sin and death. Of course, this Easter was like none other as we are mired in a deadly, terrible pandemic. But even while desperately missing family, friends, and church fellowship, yesterday still was a day of joyous worship and a happy respite from all that's been happening. I went to bed still basking in that glow.
Until the day after...
Only hours after Easter, I struggled to sleep and awoke early, bleary-eyed and jittery. Outside the heavy dark clouds glowered, the wind pummeled the trees, and soon the rain began pounding. It was if the weather reflected my anxious, antsy heart. I couldn't even put my finger on it--after focusing on Holy Week all last week and experiencing God's peace and joy despite the world's circumstances, it was if it all evaporated in an instant.
Moreover, two of our children who are here right now and working from home, were both experiencing extremely stressful work issues today. I tiptoed around, trying not to disturb them, even as I fussed and fumed inwardly at myself for not being more productive and getting all those myriad projects done (or at least started!) that I was sure I'd get accomplished with all this "extra" time at home.
Sigh. I don't know where on earth the days go, but let me just say, I'm terribly disappointed in myself. I've yet to spring clean my whole house...nor declutter every room and closet (oh help me, Jesus!)...nor learn to play an instrument and speak a new language...nor become an accomplished cook like Julia Child.
I have managed to finally try (emphasis on the word "try") making sourdough starter and homemade whole wheat sourdough bread. And let me just say for the record--GOOD GRIEF! I thought kneading dough was supposed to be relaxing and therapeutic. Nope. Maybe it would have been if I hadn't created such a colossal mess making and feeding the sourdough starter. Instead, all that went through my mind was "What on earth was I thinking of taking this on?!!" I guess it didn't help that the final products could also be used as doorstops. But I guess those brown bricks might prove handy in all this wind.
It seemed like all the "What if's" and "What then's" of this virus started storming the citadel of my heart and by lunchtime today, Resurrection Sunday seemed like a million miles away. My anxious, fretting thoughts were flitting and flying about like those wind-tossed pine branches in our backyard...
...until the Lord, in His great grace, sent His Word to my troubled, antsy heart. "My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him." (Ps.62:5)
Such a simple word, and yet the Lord used it to immediately arrest my disobedient thoughts and anxious heart.
"Calm down, soul," His Word said to me. "Be still anxious thoughts. Wait on God. He's in control--not you, not the virus, not our jobs, not our to-do lists, not anything or anyone but God alone. And place your expectation and hope in Him alone--your Redeemer and Sustainer and Deliverer and Helper and Encourager and Strengthener."
And it occurred to me--of course the enemy would assault our hearts and minds today--the day after the most joyous celebration of the entire year for believers. Silly, amnesiac that I am, I had forgotten that we're in the midst of spiritual war. Yesterday marked our annual happy remembrance and celebration of Christ's victory over satan, sin and death. The enemy surely hates being reminded!
And this world isn't a playground but a battleground where the enemy wages war against our hearts and minds as much as our bodies and lives.
So we should expect days like this--days of discouragement or defeat or disappointment. And by the way, isn't it funny how often those kinds of hard, difficult days seem to immediately follow a time of great joy or victory or celebration?
Maybe nobody else out there is experiencing disappointment "the day after" like I am, but just in case you are, let me remind you and me--we know the One who is really in control. And we know the One who has already won the war. And we know that He has promised that He's using all things for our ultimate good and His greater glory. And we know that He loves us beyond all reason, and nothing can separate us from His love. And we know that "this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (II Cor.4:17-18)
And so, we can wait on Him and place our hope and expectation in Him, even as get back to work, doing all that we can, the best that we can, but doing it all for His glory and entrusting the results to Him. We won't get it all done...and that's okay, because He's already finished the ultimate work so we can look to Him and rest in Him.
Thank You, Lord Jesus, for defeating our greatest enemies of satan, sin and death. Since You already defeated the absolute worst that we could or will ever face, we know that You will also make a way and give us the grace to deal with anything this day brings us.
To God be the glory.
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