Finally we are in the mountains...after several days' delay due to our trusty old suburban. It seems something called a "timing belt" in the suburban had gone kaput, and it took a while to figure out the problem and then repair it. Meanwhile, the precious few days we had the mountain house and the even more precious few days our family could be there to use it, were wasting away.
And boy, was I ever impatient. And irritable. And ill-tempered.
Why? Because I desperately wanted to get to the mountains and enjoy their incredible beauty with the people I love most in the world...but our old car was messing up my plans. So what came out of yours truly was, sadly, what was within--ingratitude, impatience, ill-humor. Basically I was a frustrated, selfish grump. All over a few days delay. All over a bit of denial of my plans. All over a bit of waiting.
I'll never forget hearing Joni Eareckson Tada share about a time she snapped at her husband in frustration after he admitted late one night how exhausted he was and how hard it sometimes was to be on call all night, every night, to help her with her needs. (In case you're not familiar with Joni-she's been paralyzed from the neck down for over 40 years, and she is one beautiful testimony to the greatness of God.)
She later apologized to her husband, Ken, for her ugly, sharp response, saying something to the effect of "That's not like me. That's not who I really am."
And then she realized, no, that's exactly who I am. That's exactly what's inside of me--that selfishness, that unkindness, that irritability. "Out of the abundance [or overflow] of the heart, the mouth speaks," says Jesus in Matthew 12:34. That which is contained within our hearts will spill out over to our lives, attitudes, and actions.
Oh Father, that's exactly who I am as well. My ingratitude, impatience, irritability all betrayed the ugly sin that resides within my heart. We can hide it pretty well, can't we...until something roughly jars us...or someone "pushes our buttons"...or some unexpected event knocks the wind out of us. And then what's within comes spilling out. The corrosive acid of a hateful remark...or a ugly look...or a demanding, entitled attitude...or a selfish pity party.
Ann Voskamp put it this way: "No matter the jarring, a jar of fresh water can't spill filthy water. When you're upset, you upset what's really in you."
Not a pretty picture, is it? Well, sin never is.
But grace.
But forgiveness.
But love.
But the cross.
But the Gospel.
But Christ.
Tim Keller says, "The Gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope."
John Newton shared at the very end of his life that his memory was failing but there were two things that he would never, ever forget: "I'm a great sinner but Christ is a Great Savior." Amen! Hallelujah!
Thank You, thank You, thank You, Lord Jesus, for the more I see the ugliness of my sin unveiled, the more I see the glorious beauty of Your grace revealed.
I fail...but You forgive. I'm empty...but You fill. I'm discouraged...but You encourage. I grow restless and impatient...but You give grace and tell me to rest in You.
Don't know where you are today, but if you're weary of waiting or frustrated with your failings or simply weak and worn, might you cling to the cross and be reminded once again that the irrepressible fountain of His grace ever flows and ever fills. His mercies will never fail you. His grace will always meet you in your need.
So join the club--we are all--every single one of us--"more sinful and flawed...than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope."
I can see it so clearly on the glorious mountain top...but how incredibly grateful I am for it in the deepest valley.
And the wait, well, it just made the mountains all the sweeter.
Praise God. To God be the glory.
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